today, i'm home alone. meaning no sharon, no josh, no cousins. it hasn't been like this in such a long time; i guess it's just a glance at how home will be when school starts. i feel pretty lonely.
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it's funny how much i can change over such a small period of time. i'm so easily influenced, my feelings, my actions, my thoughts -- everything. i'm so fickle, so capricious (my SAT vocab kicking in) that i don't even know how i feel at times. i think this is why i can't be in a relationship, because i'm bound to end up hurting someone, someone who definitely doesn't deserve to be hurt.
change is interesting. a little event in our lives can trigger a switch, completely alter the way we think about a certain issue, idea, person, thing. fads come and go so quickly; one day, a certain type of clothing is a must-have and the next, it's worn way too much that it's no longer "cool" to wear. technology is improving everyday; the moment we finally get that iphone we've worked hard for, a better version is released the next month. how can we keep up with this mean, ever-changing society we live in? how can we fit in without totally losing our identity and becoming a robot, with no individual thoughts and feelings of our own? i know it's hard. everyday i feel like i'm not good enough, i don't have enough "scene" clothes, my hair is boring, i'm not cool to hang out with, gaining a little weight -- i have a million insecurities that i'm reminded of daily. i guess the only determining factor on whether or not we break or make it is our own hearts. we have to truly be satisfied -- i have to be truly satisfied and grateful with what i have. i'm blessed, no doubt about it. i have a family and a home and honestly, we are well off. but why am i never satisfied with what i have, with who i am? that's a question that'll probably stick with me my whole life.
// i'm being strange, stubborn, distant, not myself -- i know. i just don't want to hurt someone who's been nothing but a wonderful friend to me. but, like i said, i'm fickle -- my emotions and my feelings are always changing. and sometimes, you just can't help that. sometimes, you can't undo a change that's already happened.
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i'm not quite sure why i went on such a rant. i guess it's because i finally have some alone time. i guess being by myself isn't half as bad; it gives me some time to reflect on myself. but instead of pouring out my thoughts through a computer to a bunch of people i may know, or probably may not know, i should really be talking through this with God. why is it so hard to keep in touch with Him?
